Love. It’s a tough one for me. Not the act of loving. That’s easy. It’s the loving without expectation. That’s the hard. Not just for me. I am sure we can all claim a piece to this. I have had many relationships go bad based on expectations. So much so, that I had sworn off knowing anybody intimately. A friend once said to me, “Kai, you are so good at loving everybody but cannot accept the love of a simple somebody and that is sad”. At the time, there was truth in these words. Some, not all. It was my experience that someone’s love was equal to their expectation of what I gave back and expectation is selfish as well as exhaustively relative. I kept falling short for most. People who claimed to love me really only loved how I LOVED them. It had nothing to do with me, the person, but the persona, the who they “thought” I was. My persona is not far from the person, it’s still me, but it’s the airbrushed me. The picture perfect me. The me I let you see. The me that needs to believe everything I say. My person is beautifully flawed, a work in progress, like most I imagine. I am perfectly imperfect. I often say the wrong thing at the right time and the right thing at the wrong time. That was NOT expected by many. Then they were gone. I refused friendships for a long time. It perpetuated my internal feud with myself and made me sad. I pondered how carelessly people used the word love. Many times, in heated debates over this subject with friends, I was told that if someone said they loved me, but expected something from me, that’s not REAL love ~ but really, can the human existence fight its ego and have anything BUT fake love? For a long time, I have understood the concept, love without expectation. I did not arrive there miraculously, nor do I always practice it. I had to dedicate hundreds of hours to both coaching and expense to be brought to this new level of understanding. If someone truly loved another, how they benefited from that love would not matter at all – ever. I have no links to this blog, and to my one constant reader, I hope you understand. I am as flawed as the next person. I admittedly have caught myself loving with expectation and I thank my life coach, Lora Lyons of Lyons Leadership Coaching, (ok, one link), to help me recognize and examine this selfish behavior. Most of the times, it leads right back to me and my own projections. So, how does Kai love? With truth. With honesty. With consistency. With forgiveness. With service. With food and, most importantly, with constant fuck-ups. I practice to remember love is not about me. It’s about love and if I “stopped” loving based on what someone has done to me or what they have done, than shame on me. That is NOT love. It should never matter how a person you love may have hurt you or betrayed you. To me and my understanding of it, the ultimate goal of love is to love regardless and without expectation.
What is it about words? They can inspire the tired. Hurt the vulnerable. Build an idea. Heal the broken. Enhance an experience or shatter dreams. Everything is about your word. How you think them, express them and use them will impact your experience with them. Words are what shape your reality, right? Why is it then, we are so careless with them? The famous quote, “Watch your words, for they become your actions. Watch your actions, for they become your habits. Watch your habits for they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny” wisely instructs us to be impeccable with our word as their impact defines much of who we are and what we experience. Yet many of us still default to, “well, you know what I mean” when describing an experience or a thought. I simply don’t accept that statement and hold people accountable to what they are (and what they are NOT) saying. First, how do I know what you mean, just SAY what you mean. Second,if you don’t mean what you are saying, why are you saying it? In many cases its just a default way of thinking, useless words filling empty space, perpetuating undesirable outcomes. What is the point of all these words if no one really is listening? In Madonna’s song Bedtime Story, she sings “words are useless, don’t function anymore”. This is because we have made it so. By not being true to our word or following up with action to what we have verbally committed to, we have taken the integrity out of everything else we say. My amazing life coach & friend, Lora Lyons of Lyons Leadership Coaching, brought my attention to this when I came to her many years ago. I was just waking up and the life I was manifesting was a complete mess. My words were scattered, undefined and clearly not my own. It was her intuitive coaching question to me, “is this your truth?” when referring to a comment I made about a definition of myself, that got me thinking. I was simply reciting the words of another and living a life that was projected onto me. It was then I realized how powerful this concept really is. In her coaching she practices the Somatic methodology, which by the Strozzi Institute’s explanation of it,” integrates linguistic coordination, verbal and non-verbal communication, presence, the cultivation of the self, and a somatic sensibility” Quite fascinating. According to the research Albert Mehrabian undertook in 1971 and is still referred to today, he found that body language is 55% of our overall message. How we walk into a room speaks volumes in itself. In our day and age of technology and all its forms of communications that DO NOT require us to walk in a room or speak to someone face to face is affecting the integrity of our word. It’s too easy to “back out” of an agreement because we never have to experience the energy of an uncomfortable outcome. We shield ourselves from experiencing the soma (of body) of our decisions. Not to mention that 55 % of what we are saying on-line is not being communicated because it cannot be seen! Still, the prize goes to those that say they will do something and then don’t. I just had a discussion with my daughter who actually got angry at me when I asked her permission to hold her accountable to her word. What would be fair repercussions if she did not follow through with what she promised? She was appalled at such a thought. She argued it would be unfair to punish her just because she didn’t do what she said she would and that I was being unreasonable. Naturally, I was speechless. Just another face of “what does your word mean to you”? Seemingly in this day and age, not much. On Facebook thousands of positive quotes, self-help inspirational messages and feel good images are posted daily, yet I find that more and more people defer to depression, old habits and non-committal activities. I challenge myself and others to actually be a stand for what we say. Commit to not committing if you must, with an agreed upon response time, but don’t say “yes” and not mean it. Don’t say “definitely” if it’s not and don’t say “I will” if you’re not sure. I confess there are many things I commit to that I sometimes wish I had given a little more thought to. Upon further examination of WHY I wanted to cancel on certain occassions, the answer was simple, clear and honest. Fear of the unknown outcome. Unwillingness to be uncomfortable and lack of energy for the effort I would need to exert. In my book – that is a perfect recipe to move forward. To stay committed. In my own experience, when I did, I had some of the most mind-blowing, shape-shifting life experiences ever. Are they all great, no, (read my blog, The Art of Participation to understand my feelings about that) but they have all helped me grow. Have kept me in optimal flow, which according to Mihaly Csikszentmihalvi book, Flow, describes it as this: “during flow, people typically experience deep enjoyment, creativity, and a total involvement with life”. Optimal flow is usually not a pleasurable experience, but something else entirely. It is a state in which our skill set is being challenged, where we have an opportunity to learn, grow and evolve. What we learn must be put into practice even if its uncomfortable. According to Brian Faught and his program, “Just Do the Right Thing” – Success is two parts – decision , then discipline. Have the discipline to follow through on the decision you make. It’s may not be comfortable however it certainly is not complicated.
Kai & Christine: A Love Story
Posted: June 5, 2012 in UncategorizedTags: cooking, fashion, parenting
Two different people, that live together in a shared existence. Living discordantly amongst each other like oil and vinegar. Separating when left to their own devices but magic when whisked to emulsification; incorporating, infusing, balancing. Spectacular when flavored with just the right spices from life’s experiences. The Goddess that woke me up. I named her Kai. I love her. This is me. Hello, my name is Christine,
the story that was created by my past. By my parents. By my teachers. By my friends, and even by my enemies. Everyone except me. I love her. Christine was living someone else’s idea of life. Someone else’s story. A little confusing. Yes. Maybe to some, but not me. What’s in a name you ask? Everything. His-story, expectations, old paradigms, untruths, half-truths, old burdens, unfinished business. I mean, the family name carries weight like no other. Especially within the family. Locking you into a version of your self that you had no choice in. A perfect example of this is me and cooking. My mother is a marvelous cook. She taught cooking classes in the burbs the whole time I grew up. Italian, German and even Japanese cooking. She had her own cake & candy business for many years. She is the ultimate foodie who loves to eat as much as she loves to cook. As a child, I HATED cooking. Grocery shopping was the worst, second to cooking. When my mother called, “Chrissie, make the salad”, my blood would boil. If you know me today, I am an amateur gourmet cook that loves every dance step I have with a menu. From the planning and shopping, to the creation and first bite. This is where I flow. My mana lives in the experience of creating the perfect meal. It’s what I have built my shared business, Goddess Getaway, 
on. Recently, I was refered to by a family member as “Chrissie”, the one who does not like to cook”. No one says that about Kai.
What’s in a name? Expectation. I was taught the “right” way to live, eat, participate and even express joy. All from the narrow lens of my teachers who were taught from a much narrower lens. “Right” is such a relative word. according to some, it’s NOT right to be gay, or to love a person from a different race or to like a different baseball team. We are taught from the beginning by those who only know what they know. Take a moment with that statement. We only know what we know, everything else we simply do not know. Its our responsibility once we see this to explore our boundaries, be provocative, ask questions and live a life more than you know. Kai & Gipsy 
has built a business on this motto. Since re-naming my self, I have made many people uncomfortable. Good. When we are uncomfortable we grow. That’s what I know. Am I right? To me I am. To others, maybe not. Is it my intention that my children question what I taught them? – ABSOLUTELY – I don’t have all the answers – quite the opposite and the answers I do have are relative to and important to me. Even these answers are temporary, evolving as different people and perspectives shape the questions I learn to ask. My upbringing did not allow for such disobedience. You did what you were told, unquestioned. Does it make parenting for me confusing. Yes. Does it make it easy? No. Does it make it authentic. Yes. More times than I was ever given the grace of, I’ve apologized to my daughter for being a hypocrite as I parented her through my own lens without first asking what her vision of a succesful life looked like. Sometimes I have to get hit between both eyes before I can see. As said in The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran: ” They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts“. My children see that I am human and make mistakes. Plenty. However, they also see me own my mistakes so that I may become wiser and keep the power of evolution within. As a woman, a daughter and a mother, Kai is a conduit to deeper knowledge. A collective conscience of empowered women. Christine & Kai are two main ingredients of my her-story that will continue to seek new answers and evolved living… ~kai
Kai Fights Facebook
Posted: May 24, 2012 in Goddess, journey, style, UncategorizedTags: goddess, journey, physical relationships
Facebook. Fact or fiction. Best guesstimate, a little bit of both. Our own personal reality tv show where we are director, star and nemesis. We choose the cast, the crew and even the extra’s. Engaging players at our will, whim and fantasy. Editing our Likes, Friends, Status’ as well as Personal History, Information and Relationships. The nice words, the image quotes, the “connections” and even the exclamation points are sorry imposters of the real physical relationships we have replaced them with. Most times, this type of “friendship” leaves me feeling more disconnected and alone than ever. Everything I do or say on a screen is still only a two-dimensional conversation between me and the computer and can never replace the moment of a hug, a quiet cry with a friend or the awful, awkward moment of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Fights on FB walls and code encrypted status’ are just one of the many formats we script our lives; leaving them open to interpretation by the discretion of the reader. For someone like me, who has left behind amazing friendships and the shape-shifting moments we shared, can only sit and interact with them through my own lens, which could be relative to my present mood. Every intimate moment I do not share with my beloved sisters puts me that further away from a bond they are all forging forward with. I am finding that being there in “spirit” is binding me to a world I simply don’t exist in but am too afraid to let go of. Like a troubled ghost who does not know its time for it to move on, I float chained to a world and a time that is moving on without me. Facebook and all the other social media’s are now my drug of choice that enable me to hang on to, and even perhaps; prevent me from, facing my new future, here – without them. New and improved don’t always mean bigger and better and I wonder if my transition would be easier without all of this technology to keep me connected. Just because we can be available 24/7 does not mean we should. Respectively, just because I can stay connected, does not mean I should. Especially when it clouds my present. My here and now. It’s a fine line between “staying connected” and “avoiding reality” with these types of communications. I will always love my friends and be there for them, but the hard and cold fact is, I am not part of them on a physical level and whether we like it or not, at the end of the day we turn our computers off and are left with only ourselves as our best friend…… ~kai
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Be afraid girls. Be very afraid. This is addicting. It is like a hunger you have never known. Delving to depths of unleashed pleasure. Abandoned joy. Treasured experiences that can only be shared by those on this magnificent journey with you. The beauty of it is it is not complicated. It is not hard. It is not out of reach. It does not exist beyond you. The only thing that stands between you and IT is consent. A simple yes. A conscious decision to participate rather than observe. To embrace fully the magnificence of life. Celebrating with it. Dancing with it. When you step into this grotto of a new awareness, the world is singing. The flowers are giggling and the trees are whispering. The air is dancing and you suddenly understand its language. Nothing needs transposing or translating. It is a melody of voices that go deeper. Primal. Understood yet unspoken.
A few years ago we were…
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In the bleakness and harsh reality of new spring it is my Persephone that lights my world into a waterfall of colours and fragrance. Each new day brings an anticipation of her arrival; I first smell the scent of this goddess wafting in the wind, playful yet bold. I anticipate with all that I am, the taste of her flower on my lips, the feel of her petals upon my skin, the overall beauty of her nature as she gently unfolds to my desire. Dance, goddess dance, under the midnight moon upon this frozen ground and fulfill your destiny to me. Satisfy my hunger and feed my need. Love me as I do you, freely and with abandon as we face the sun and move toward the full moon of summer’s solstice…
I am done. I am tearing it up into small flames and putting it in the fire – not to destroy it – far from it – to allow it to grow. – Like the Phoenix , it will first go down in flames so that it may rise again. Better, Stronger. Smarter. Indestructible. Evolving and adapting to its new environment, it’s new surroundings and its new paradigms. I am talking about THE PICTURE. The one we carry around on our person or in our head. The image of a 10 years ago goddess we just can’t seem to let go of. For some, it’s even further back in time and not a picture at all. It could be a thought, a pair of pre-pregnancy pants or a distant longing for our more care-free, self-involved days. Clinging on to a past is the only way to guarantee a destructive present. Trust me, I know from experience. I declare a war against this machine. The time machine that lives in our brain and keeps us locked on to our fear of letting go. Goddesses, I invite you to take back your power by embracing and celebrating all of who you are now, today. If you have the battle scars of childbirth – flaunt them – if you have the bruises of life’s curve balls – ask for more – if you wear the years of experience on your skin – show them off!. I have a dream in which I see all women tattooing GODDESS onto their bodies and absorbing their divine right to celebrate the feminine power within. We are so much more than we give ourselves credit for. Our earth is referred to as Mother, our Seas as she, our fast cars as BITCHES and our Moon as La Luna. Why is it we do not recognize the gift in all of this and how it reflects the power of our own femininity. Our cycles are even linked to the moon, which controls the tides that keep the earth balanced and in good standing order within the universe. Remind me again why we continue to be slave to negative, destructive thoughts? I too ask myself that very same question. A few weeks ago, I flew across country for a photo-shoot that was scheduled months before and underwear was the only costume on the menu. My wonderful friend, fellow life traveller, and amazing photographer had agreed to do a Bad-Ass photo-shoot with me and some of my most treasured people on earth. Wear your favorite black, bring your bad-ass attitude, a killer play list and your favorite beverage (optional). Since my move across country, I admit I have put on a few pounds of loneliness and self-pity, ok, a more than a few and I was starting to stress about being in my “costume” in front of my friends. I put on the outfit and damn if I didn’t think I looked good. No, not good – GREAT. I really liked what I saw! I started prancing and dancing with myself until, and I swear this is true, THE PICTURE, floated down from somewhere, and landed at my feet. Felt like I was punched in the chest. A picture of my 10 years ago self, 3 sizes smaller, taunted me from my stiletto, eye candy boots. I threw myself into a state of depression and decided to let all of my shadow’s take a swing. I am very good at self-discipline. In the meantime, I ran to the go-to panic room inside my brain and pushed the I HAVE TO LOSE 10 POUNDS IN ONE MONTH BY NOT EATING AND EXERCISING TO LOOK GOOD IN MY UNDERWEAR IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS button on the time-machine; but I’ll be damned it would not work. Not a lick. My machine was malfunctioning. There was a presence in my panic-room that overshadowed even my most stubborn of shadows. Unyielding to the pressure of the past, I finally recognized it for what it was – me. My here and now. My wise and womanly self that refused to be moved. The Phoenix had risen from the fire of life and she was unapologetic and proud! I look different yes, but amazing all the same – I have scars yes, but I also have great stories. I have stretch marks yes, but I also have 3 great kids.. I have some wrinkles and a few extra pounds yes, but I live a life more than ordinary. There is something else I have that my 10 years ago self did not – the wisdom and grace of the 10 years I now own. I AM better. I AM wiser. I AM stronger and get this, I am SEXIER than I was then. I don’t need a picture to show me who and what I was – it’s still there – just upgraded. Goddesses, I beg you to play in your bigger and better sandbox, built by your own extraordinary experiences and get out of the booby-trapped, time-warped, time-mahcine. Rewrite your history to her-story and start playing with fire ~kai
photograph of Kai brought to you by Luminessence Studios
So it’s been 3 months since the commitment leap. I find myself free-floating in the universal vastness of “who am I when I am not who I usually am”. Bumping randomly into anger, sadness, joyful freedom and serenity unevenly and without warning. I am totally stripped down, uncovered, naked and exposed to the enlightened reality of IS. Though when I fight this, it becomes raw, painful, and a bitter pill to swallow. I am learning how to not only be alone, but to be lonely. My long bus ride with me, myself and all the other I’s that I am continue on. For years, I have hidden behind my personas, my personality and my talents to mask the shadows that live inside of me. Though I was very much aware of them I made sure t hat nobody tried to “fix” them. My fear was once I was “fixed”, I would lose the gifts these shadows allowed me; to be better, to love deeper, to try harder and to never be satisfied. I was right in a way. Once I stopped, I literally did nothing at all. My longest commute was from my bed to the coffee maker. I took my self-imposed sequestering very seriously, and very hard. I lost my desire to participate, eat, cook , experience, play and virtually all the other things that previously danced in my life on a daily basis without effort. I was special to no one and I was invisible to everyone. I lived neither here, nor there. I cried regularly. No WHERE to go and no WHO to be; I was lost and depressed. It was uncomfortable and it hurt. It was hard. It still is. I am still alone and lonely most of the time. I still cry and most days I have no WHERE to be and no WHO to be. I have no one to do anything with and I have become very close to my cats. I talk with the goddesses everyday and they keep me connected to the purpose of this self-imposed strip-search. So why do it? What’s the point? I am learning I am worthy even when I am not everything I expect myself to be. I am learning that exposing all of my truths does not equal being a fraud, a fake or a liar even though some of them conflict with each other. I am strong because I am weak. I am loud because I struggle with standing up for myself. I am great at what I do because I was ridiculed as a child. I am sexy because I am insecure with my body. I am all of these things and that is exactly what I should be. I am finally giving light to and loving the root of what I am. The “because”. I am heeding my own voice. I am finally listening. I am finally not hiding inside myself or behind others. Authentic, real living. I am not perfect. I am better than perfect. I am perfectly imperfect and I am finally starting to embrace that. Within the grace and humility of the ordinary, I am understanding at a deeper, more intrinsic level that transcend words and requires only surrender. Everyday, I fight less and less. Moment by moment I take myself as I am and even if I am not okay with it, I am still okay with not being okay. This is what being alone, being lonely and being uncomfortable has gifted me with and I have a feeling this is only the beginning ~kai
Floating down stream in the free flow of freedom I surrender myself to the rhythm of the river. There is no need to question where it is taking me as I trust its divine wisdom and its creative current to navigate me toward my blissful destiny. There is no need to fight. No need for flight. There is only need to exhale and release myself to the to the sounds of its song as it trips its way along. Inhale / Exhale / Prana. I have no choice but to obey and willingly I become slave to its need for command. This is my fetish. This is my feast and I lay full with abundance . Shimmering a path high above is my mother, Moon. I turn my self outward and inward at the same time, accepting all that she has to offer, dancing in her celestial rainbow under her watchful eye 
with my chosen sisters. In the fire I will lay my intent and my adoration toward the nature and nurture of ourselves and celebrate the everything that we are and will become. We are the River Goddess and we will bless all that seek to travel with us however the fare to be paid is subject to each and every passenger that wish to aboard ~kai
kaispeaks 